One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
