I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Randomize
