He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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