His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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