I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
