He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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