Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
