the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
