The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
