If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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