Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
