Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
