I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
