drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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