Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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