I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
