French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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