the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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