why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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