you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
