My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
