dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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