I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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