I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
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You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
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Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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