we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
