i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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