I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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