these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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