Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
