Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
