11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
