Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
