whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
