Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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