The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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