we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
