Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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