The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The adults are the big ones right?
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