Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize