It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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