The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
did i walk over a car last night?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
