I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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