just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
