I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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