dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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