just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
