after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
