Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
