dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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