I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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