She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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