My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
