My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
