I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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