Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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