I feel great
I just peed on a car
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Randomize
