my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
