Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
