your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
