you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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