haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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