I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
